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03 March 2007 @ 06:00 pm
we had our pabaon this morning. i went with lori and gen but during the registration, we saw binshu and jaime, so we went together. we were given sheets of paper which were to serve as our reflection guide. it contained lots of statements we have to fill up. i had a hard time doing such not because i don't have an answer but because i could not choose which of my answers i should write. Here are the statements:
  • For my stay in Ateneo, I thank God for persons...
    • _________ for inspiring me to ___________.
    • _________ for showing me that ___________.
    • _________ for encouraging me to ___________.
    • _________ for reminding me that ___________.
    • _________ for challenging me to ___________.
  • I also thank God for experiences...
    • that shaped my heart-felt belief in God: __________.
    • that awakened me to the reality of who I am: __________.
    • that broadened my horizons about life: __________.
    • that opened the gates to other-centeredness: __________.
    • that seasoned me to become better prepared for my "life in the world": __________.
  • I am sorry for not responding to Your love...
    • A misgiving that I can't forget: __________.
    • A pain that still hurts: __________.
    • An anger that I still carry in my heart: __________.
    • A kind word that I should have uttered: __________.
    • A loving gesture that I should have done: __________.
    • A fear that prevents me from reaching out to others: __________.
  • I wish to share these gifts to the world...
    • My experience of God as: __________.
    • My top three values: (1) __________ (2) __________ (3) __________.
    • My passion for __________.
    • My God-given talents like __________, __________, __________, __________.
    • My other gifts __________, __________, __________.
Among the four groups of statements, I was able to fill up all statements in the fourth group first.
  • God as Love.. i thought God can also be hope, but wrote love because I believe God really is in you, the other, so i guess it's easier to understand it in this sense if i used love than hope.
  • Top 3 values: meaning/quality; truth; freedom.. but i'd like to add more: companionship/friendship, integrity, hard work, independence, respect for others, commitment, service, adventure! hahaha, growth, variety, and harmony.
  • Passion for living authentically hahaha! it's the "bottom line"
  • God-given talents... i didn't know how to answer this, i cannot write specific skills 'coz they often change or their levels vary in time... anyhow, i wrote very general terms: immitation, abstraction, expression, appreciation
  • My other gifts: health, wisdom, privileges... life, well, it's the foremost gift.
As for the persons and experiences I'd like to thank, I had a hard time with these coz the statements overlap and there are so many, I cannot just write one. But i noticed there is one person that always comes to mind regardless of what statement i'd like to fill out. hahaha! i'll have to thank him personally. he probably didn't know and would not think he has really been a blessing to me. perhaps i'll give him the blue rose. Anyhow, i'll list the persons and experiences that i'm so much grateful for (not in any order): Lori, Jane, Gen, Mia, Ms. Sumida, Ms. Nagai, Dr. Espiritu, Dr. Perez, Ate Weng, Sir Claveria, Sir Anglo, ES dept people, ESS, LogAssoc, John Go, Touhou no Yuujin, Emee, Mamon, Benjie, Pao, Niko, Jem, Beng, Joan, KD, Binshu, Jaya, Carol, Benjo, Daryl, Carlo, Kathleen, Krissy, Riel, Earl, Karina, Stephen, Jobe, Sonsy, Renette, Chito, Stephanie, Ivens, Fr. Dacanay, Fr. Giordano, Dr. Lukas Kaelin, Dr. Manny Dy, Dr. Gus Rodriguez, Dr. Garces, Ms. Roce (my poetry teacher in whose class I was awfully embarrased hahaha), Sir Jacobo, GK, Labor trials, saying the prayers of the faithful in Japanese-sponsored mass, ichiban choir, modern languages cultural show, alumni homecoming, group study, matanglawin, arpt, tae kwon do practices, PE classes! hahaha, monitoring, essec plansem, thesis, sleep over, birthday parties!, christmas parties!, anime and asian entertainment media. There are more, but as for the moment, these are it.

For my failure, I am sorry.. for denying the good you showed me; for being selfish, arrogant, and egoistic; for not forgetting the wrong you've done,
for not thanking you, for not being there when i knew i should, for fear of being betrayed.

There are bible verses / quotes in the paper, and i'd like to put them here:
  • Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever. Psalm 118:29
  • You sanctify what you are grateful for. Anthony de Mello, SJ
  • For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement, namely, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Gal. 5:14
  • You are the light of the word. Let your light shine before others. Mt. 5:14, 16
Lori asked me during the program if i loved Ateneo. She looked stoic but serious. I was suprised I said yes. I have always thought it's embarrassing to admit one's "love" for any thing in front of a peron's face - even if that was the face of one's best friend.. but i guess i have been transformed here in the Ateneo.

03 March 2007 @ 02:53 am
yesterday was such a blessed day. the whole day was meaningfully spent with my theo groupmates. i guess it was too short a gathering to develop mutual friendship that will last among all members, but that does not really matter. i appreciate the moment spent with them. a moment is enough for one person to be inspired for a lifetime. every one was himself or herself, and every one respected each other's being. i don't know if they were also conscious of such, anyhow, it made our group study successful. of course, it was not a situation where every member was diligently reviewing the notes and handouts all the time. in fact, one of my groupmates were doing his thesis presentation while most of us were reviewing the guide questions; many times each individual took a break in his/her own liking - watch a video clip, eat, sleep, drink coffee, talk with a friend through the phone, smoke, chat with an outsider, leave the place temporarily, and so on. each studied in his/her own rhythm and style. if the whole gathering was a dance, then we were like dancers specializing in different genres but through dancing unreservedly in our own beat, we danced together harmoniously. there was no need for choreography. those inclined to lead, led; while those inclined to follow, followed. but it wasn't all leading and following all the time - there was a chance for everyone to have a taste of different things. it was made possible through  dialogue. it was honesty. it was respect. well, most of the time, at least. nothing on earth can be perfect. loved it.

in the evening, i met with my aunt and her family. she was the cousin of my mom so i really did not know her family well. i was able to be with her family for a number of times but i really have a bad memory, i could not remember their names. anyhow, i had a chance to meet them again and got to know the bdays and other things about my cousins so i'll put them down here for future reference: Lenny Al - October, currently a freshman; Jet - April 4, grade 3; Lance - will turn 10 on March 21. Ahck! I should make an effort to visit them on these days. Uncle's name is Nelson. Jet is huggable, charming though a little shy. Lance is talkative - i was not able to meet him last night but i remember he was talkative. Lenny Al is cool, independent, mysterious-type of guy, very much like Jazper. My uncle, amusing in his own reserved way, seemingly intimidating yet seemingly trying to be accomodating at the same time - are most fathers like this? My aunt, like all mothers, a heroine, always putting the need of family before herself, choosing to be brave for family's sake. Both my uncle and my aunt, buffers of the family, filters of the unpleasant so the kids shall live in peace as much as possible.

at home, i read my mail. a good news. i passed history. thank you so much for the blessings!
02 March 2007 @ 11:23 pm
it's so amazing how a moment spent with someone dear to you can make you forget of all your worries and give you a sort of illusion that every thing's fine. i was so happy. i met my mother early this evening. it's not that i've been separated from her for years.. not at all. my life is far from being a telenobela. i don't know exactly.. perhaps i am just so overwhelmed of the situation that i am in right now or have i changed this much that i no longer deny my feelings.. that i have learned to let them be and at least acknowledge within myself its existence.. ew. am i being too corny? anyhow. i feel so happy. if only i could do all the things i want to do at that moment i was with her, to make her feel how much i appreciate her, how i am grateful for having her as my mother, how indebted i am to her for my life. if only.. but we are sooo human. so finite. so bounded by our limitations. she had other things to do. she was busy. i had to respect the situation we were in. the best i did then was to sit silently behind her, waiting for and grabbing every opportunity to make myself present. will i do the same for others? for my friends? for strangers? i wonder. i have been so self-centered and too reserved of showing my feelings to others. how mean. how sinful i am. i know what is good. and i do want to do what is good. what is this that stops me? what is this that tells me to do other than the good? how real original sin is. how real is this situation of sinfulness we are in and this disordered desires we have. Jesus Christ, save us.
26 February 2007 @ 11:30 am
i don't understand hope at all. and i'm angry because of that! it only seems that the more i live in it, the more that i don't get it! it's not that i doubt it - i don't even think i can, because i cannot comprehend it. i must have at least an understanding of it before i can doubt it. it's the same with love and with faith. i'm so tired. i'm exhausted! i want to give up, but i can't. something stops me. it stops me. it stops me from destroying myself. i am nothing after all. i cannot do anything, there is nothing to destroy. but i don't want to live in this nothingness.. because i feel there must be something. i don't know how i know there is.. i just know.. is that You again? i'm sorry. i can't help it. it seems like every time i doubt, accept, deny, sense, whatsoever, i always end up thinking about You, if not blaming You! as if in every thing, there is You. You. You. You. It's always YOU! i'm so tired. can I rest? i can't seem to.. and i'm not even sure if i want to.. i don't know!!! i cannot understand You at all!
25 February 2007 @ 02:44 pm
it's finals week. im praying this will be my final finals week in college. tomorrow, i'll have history. we were not supposed to have a final exam in this subject. only students who failed in class standing will be taking the final (comprehensive) exam, which is as a removal exam. there are two students who failed. i am one of them. hahaha. i feel guilty and grateful at the same time. my family and friends have been very supportive despite knowing it was my fault i failed. i'm doing my best. i must not fail them.